The Byron Journals Read online

  Behind them, a man cleared his throat. It was Gilbert. ‘It’s awfully quiet inside…are you playing another set? Or is that it?’

  Heidi turned to Andrew. ‘Andy?’

  ‘Definitely!’ He replied. ‘But I’m dying to go to the toilet first.’

  ‘Me too,’ Jade added.

  ‘All right, you two go and I’ll get the show started.’

  Andrew followed Jade up the long hallway to the bathroom and waited outside. He drew a deep breath and the air filled his body like helium. His muscles were bursting with energy—he felt strong enough to lift a car.

  The toilet flushed and Jade emerged, staring. ‘Look at you!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your eyes—your—’ She stroked the side of his face. ‘How do you feel?’

  ‘Amazing.’

  She bit her bottom lip. ‘Tim says I’m ugly when I take drugs.’

  ‘Don’t worry about Tim. You’re beautiful.’

  She moved closer and ran her hands down his arms. Her breasts grazed his chest. She drew him into an embrace and slid her hands over his back. ‘Do you really think so, Andy?’

  Her lips brushed his ear, sending ripples of warmth through him. His hands passed across the bare skin of her back. He felt her goosebumps. Then without thinking, he let his hand move beneath her dress, over the lacy ridge of her g-string to the soft, round curve of her arse. He wanted to put his fingers inside her, hot and wet. But she pulled away and the separation was like being ripped in two.

  She smiled and nodded back towards the party. ‘That’s a long solo Heidi’s playing.’

  Andrew nodded. Heidi. Heidi. Heidi. He heard the rhythm of her drums and the shouts and cheers of the party. For a moment, he’d completely forgotten what he was doing. The world had shrunk to this single hallway space.

  She kissed him on the cheek, smiling. ‘Maybe we could swing something with Heidi later…if you want.’

  What about Tim? he thought. But before he could say it, Jade turned and headed back towards the party. Andrew closed the bathroom door behind him and stood there for a moment, not sure what he was doing. Now that he was there, he didn’t even need to piss anyway. He washed his hands and the water felt amazing flowing over his skin. He felt ridiculously alive, jacked up on the possibilities. He looked into the mirror and couldn’t recognise himself. His eyes were wide open, his face was sweaty and his jaw was clenched. A knock on the door snapped him back to his senses. He was in the bathroom and Heidi was drumming in the living room—waiting for him. He had to get back to her. He opened the door, flung himself down the hall and took his position behind the keys.

  Heidi gave him a questioning look but he just mouthed the words: Follow my lead.

  He began playing the teaser of a funk chord progression, kind of James Brown style. The crowd cheered and shouted. Gradually, he edged it in, brought up the volume, teased it up, teased it up. It was like floating down a quick river of music towards a waterfall. As the final bar kicked in, he was jumping up and down, shouting— ‘Two! Three! Four!’

  Heidi smashed out a new rhythm and he thumped out the chords full volume. People shouted and danced, laughed and cheered, and when he caught Jade’s eye, he saw that she was watching him with a new intensity, as though only noticing him for the first time.

  They finished playing half an hour later, packed up and lugged the gear back to the bus. They danced in the middle of the street. Andrew stretched out his arms and the breeze seemed to blow straight through him. He’d never realised how much air there was in the world. All he wanted to do was jump around and swish his hands through it. The girls laughed.

  ‘Let’s go back to the party!’ Jade said. ‘We can go home anytime!’

  ‘Anytime!’ Heidi echoed.

  They ran and skipped back down the long driveway. But this time, instead of turning right into the party, Jade turned the other way and led them into an alcove of the garden. She slid her hands around their backs and drew them together.

  ‘I love you guys!’ she whispered. ‘So much!’

  ‘Oh Jade, we love you too,’ Heidi said.

  The world and everything in it was cut from the finest silks, everything was filled with warm whispers and soft skin.

  ‘I love both of you!’ Andrew said. ‘More than that! And this is ridiculous! But I love everything, and everyone!’

  They loved the world and the world loved them. It was fantastic; they were fantastic. And then they were kissing. Heidi’s mouth was hot against Andrew’s and he felt the brush of Jade’s lips against his neck. His insides melted like thick drools of candle wax, running down and pooling in his groin, his belly, pooling there and filling him up. A hand slid up his thigh and squeezed his cock, another ran down his chest. He stroked Heidi’s breasts, then Jade’s. Nipples hardened against his palms and between his fingers. He didn’t know it was possible to feel this good. It wasn’t. Jade kissed Heidi and he watched them, mesmerised. He kissed Heidi’s cheek and her neck, then Jade moved away from Heidi and started kissing him on the lips, the taste of red wine in her mouth.

  Heidi stepped away from them and cleared her throat. ‘We should go back to the party.’

  Jade and Andrew stopped kissing. They looked at Heidi. It seemed unfair of her to end this bliss.

  ‘Why?’ he asked.

  She glanced at his hand on Jade’s breast. ‘I don’t know…let’s just go back inside. I feel like dancing.’

  Jade dragged Heidi back towards them and kissed her neck. ‘C’mon, Heidi, it’s just a bit of fun.’

  ‘It is fun, I know,’ Heidi said. ‘But we should go back to the party.’

  She turned and led the way. Jade took his hand and caught hold of Heidi’s hand to slow her down.

  They stopped on the verandah for the countdown to midnight, their arms around each other, and watched the fireworks lancing the night sky.

  thirteen

  Andrew couldn’t remember the trip home. Only an ugly argument between Tim and Jade when they arrived. But then Tim left and everything was peaceful again. Heidi scrolled through her iPod and, a moment later, Four Tet’s ambient electro-pop wafted through the room. Andrew was lying on the couch in the living room and the music had him sweeping down the gentlest of rivers, drifting and eddying in the currents.

  The smell of cinnamon and clove filled his nostrils and he opened his eyes to see Heidi making chai in the kitchen. Sunlight streamed through the window and caught her hair. She was so damned beautiful, he thought. He was lucky. Beyond lucky. He closed his eyes again and lay there, melting in and out of the music.

  Someone tickled his feet and he smiled, expecting the soft warmth of Heidi’s lips. He opened his eyes and frowned. It was Jade. Her hair was wet and she was dressed in tiny shorts and one of Heidi’s old cotton T-shirts without a bra. Her nipples were hard and her breasts jiggled when she moved.

  ‘Where’s Heidi?’ he asked.

  ‘Work.’

  ‘What? When did she leave?’

  ‘You said goodbye to her. Don’t you remember?’

  He shook his head, his mouth dry. He picked up the mug of chai Heidi had made him and sipped, but it was cold. How much time had slipped by?

  Jade pulled out a small bag of pills. ‘Want another one?’

  He shook his head, sighed and watched her knock one back with a glass of water. Then she held out the bag. ‘Go on.’

  He took a pill out of the bag, hesitated, then put it in his mouth.

  Jade passed him her glass of water and he drank some. ‘Tim told me about your mum.’

  That was the last thing he was expecting her to say. ‘What did he tell you?’

  ‘He told me she’s a lawyer and that’s why he cut you in on the hydro profits.’

  He nodded warily.

  Jade laughed and placed her hand on his thigh. ‘Don’t worry—I won’t say anything to Heidi…But I do have a small favour to ask.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You know how my brother has
offered to record you guys in Sydney.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Well…As payment for the recording session, he’s asked us to run a package to Melbourne for him.’

  ‘What kind of package.’

  ‘Coke.’

  He coughed. ‘Coke?’

  ‘Yeah. He’s in the process of teeing up a deal between a guy at my work on the Gold Coast and some of his connections in Melbourne. All we have to do is pick up the package south of Sydney and deliver it to Melbourne. Dead easy.’

  ‘Coke?’ Andrew said again.

  She smirked. ‘Don’t worry, Tim will take care of the details. I just wanted to check that you can offer me the same legal protection if anything goes wrong—not that it will.’

  ‘I guess so,’ he said, unsure what he was getting himself into.

  ‘I just figure that if Tim’s taking pot, and Heidi’s taking acid—well, I want to be in on the action too!

  You should see how much money Sam makes. That studio he’s set up is fitted it out with all the craziest state-of-the-art gear. And it’s all from drug money.’

  ‘Okay.’ Andrew had difficulty focusing on what she was saying. ‘Sounds good.’

  She coughed and cleared her throat. ‘Have you talked to Heidi about the acid?’

  ‘No. Have you?’

  ‘I’m scared she’ll go off at me.’

  ‘She’s just doing it for the money,’ he said. ‘Same reason anyone sells drugs.’

  Jade shook her head. ‘Acid’s not worth much and it’s hard to sell. Besides, Heidi doesn’t know anyone in Melbourne. She grew up in Adelaide, like you.’

  Andrew wanted her to stop talking. ‘I need to lie down.’

  She laughed. ‘You are lying down.’

  He shook his head. ‘I mean in bed.’

  ‘No! You have to stay up! You just dropped another pill. And besides, if you go to bed I’ll be all by myself. Have a shower, I promise it’ll make you feel better. You’ll love it.’

  He undressed in the bathroom, turned on the shower and stepped into the flow of water. She was right. The shower was like dying and being reborn a thousand times over. It was everything good and pure in the world. Warm, gentle, enlivening.

  The door opened and Jade walked in. She stopped by the half-open shower curtain, smiled and looked him up and down. ‘Do you feel like a joint?’

  He ran his hands through his hair, not caring that

  Jade was seeing him naked for the first time. ‘Will it feel as good as this shower?’

  ‘Better!’

  She walked out to roll the joint, leaving the door ajar behind her. He turned off the shower, got out and dried himself, wrapped the towel around his waist and made his way into Heidi’s room. He stood there for a while, trying to remember what he was doing. Boxer shorts— he was looking for his boxer shorts. He found them and put them on, turned on the fan and slid between the sheets. He could smell Heidi’s rockmelon scent on his pillow and wished she’d come home. The fan hummed beside him, slowly turning from side to side, and his thoughts bounded and swerved like hunted rabbits.

  There was a light knock on the door and he opened his eyes. Jade was in the doorway, her eyes wide, a joint smoking in one hand and a glass ashtray in her other hand. She closed the door behind her and paused, biting her lip. ‘The other pill’s just starting to kick in. How do you feel?’

  ‘I don’t know. Weird.’

  She sat on the edge of the bed and offered him the joint. ‘Have some of this. It’ll perk you up…trust me.’

  The tip of the joint glowed and crackled and smoke burnt the back of his throat. He coughed, drew again and passed it back to her. A wave of calm washed through him. She was right; he did feel better. Lighter.

  He glanced at her breasts and noticed her nipples were slightly different sizes.

  She caught his eye. ‘You like them, don’t you?’

  ‘Huh…? What?’

  ‘My breasts—you’re staring at them…again.’

  ‘No, I’m not,’ he said and smiled. ‘They’re staring at me.’

  She laughed. ‘I can take my top off, if you’d like.’

  ‘I don’t know if it’s—’

  She passed him the joint and pulled the T-shirt over her head. He’d seen them so many times—but every time he looked at them was like seeing them for the first time.

  She looked down and fondled them. ‘Guys are so funny about breasts. It’s hilarious.’ Then she looked up. ‘You want to touch them, don’t you?’

  ‘Umm…’

  ‘It was fine last night when Heidi was there—so what’s the difference? It’s just a bit of fun.’

  She was right—except for the fact that Heidi wasn’t here now. He reached forward to touch her breasts, but she laughed and turned away.

  ‘There’s just one thing...’

  ‘What?’

  She took the joint, puffed on it and passed it back to him. ‘You have to do something for me.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Something that feels even better than a shower and a joint.’

  ‘What?’

  She laughed. ‘Actually, there are a couple of things that feel better. But normally, after a big night out, Heidi gives me a nice, long massage. And since she won’t be back for a few hours, well…I’m not sure I can wait that long.’

  Andrew’s heart knocked hard against his chest. ‘Okay.’

  She put the joint in the ashtray and placed the ashtray on the floor. She turned her back to him, still covering her breasts with her hand and forearm, but not very well, and turned to lie on the mattress. She readjusted herself and scooped her hair from behind her neck to the side. ‘Just use some of Heidi’s moisturiser.’

  He stared at her half-naked on the bed beside him. ‘You don’t think Heidi will mind?’

  ‘She won’t care. It’s not expensive moisturiser.’

  It wasn’t what he’d meant and he shook his head, confused, then squirted some moisturiser onto his palm. Jade sighed and goosebumps rose on her skin when he touched her.

  ‘Sit on top of me,’ she said.

  He sat astride her soft, round arse. It was just a massage, he told himself, nothing else. He pressed his fingers into the muscles at the back of her neck and the gentlest sigh broke from her lips. He kept going.

  ‘Harder,’ she murmured into the pillow.

  He massaged harder. This was bad, he thought. He should just stand up and walk out. Her hand fell onto his thigh and started stroking it. It was creeping under his boxers. A shudder left his body and he felt the ache of desire hardening and gathering strength. Why didn’t he stop her? What was wrong with him? Everything was welling up at once. He imagined what it would feel like to fondle her breasts, to slide his hands along the soft skin of her inner thighs, to kiss and run his tongue along the hot, wet blaze between her legs. He imagined her moans and sighs. He imagined rubbing her and stroking her the way Heidi had taught him. Heidi. Heidi. Heidi. Her name throbbed in some distant, submerged part of him, a part of him that was growing fainter and fainter. Should he kiss the back of her neck? He’d stopped massaging her. Her hand stopped under his boxers just short of his balls.

  ‘Andy?’

  His mouth was dry; it was too late, there was no stopping this. He felt her adjust herself beneath him and begin to roll over.

  The sound of a key being fiddled into the front-door lock cut through the room. His body tensed. Jade’s eyes flashed in panic. For a moment, neither of them moved. The front door creaked open. Jade rolled away from him, pulled on her shirt, and moved to the edge of the bed. The door slammed and there were footsteps down the hall.

  ‘But the funniest bit…’ Jade began as though mid-story.

  She re-lit the joint at the same time and he marvelled at her deception. He pulled up the sheet and propped himself against the pillows at the end of the bed, his erection wilting beneath the sheets. Was it Heidi? Or Tim? Heidi would go crazy; Tim would go ultra-violence crazy. Jade continued tal
king but he barely took in what she was saying. She leaned forward to pass him the joint just as the door opened.

  It was Heidi and it looked like she’d been crying. She glanced between them. ‘I don’t look trashed, do I?’

  Jade laughed. ‘Umm…a little bit. Why?’

  ‘The new manager said I was too trashed to work.’

  ‘What a prick!’

  She shook her head in disbelief. ‘It’s New Year’s Day. What does he expect?’

  Jade jumped up and embraced her. ‘Oh, Heidi, you poor thing! You’re completely fine, the guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about.’

  ‘I can’t believe he sent me home.’

  ‘Just think of it this way—you’ve got the rest of the day off, so now we can get you really trashed.’

  Heidi puffed on the joint, glanced at Andrew and turned to Jade. ‘Your shirt’s inside out.’

  ‘Yeah, thanks Andy.’ Jade laughed nervously. ‘Let me walk around all morning looking like a loser.’

  Jade pulled out her bag of pills and passed it to Heidi, then turned her back to Andrew, took off her top and put it on the right way around.

  fourteen

  Andrew drifted in and out of a jagged sleep. He couldn’t work out whether he should tell Heidi about what had happened. Why hadn’t he stopped things with Jade earlier? What if Heidi had walked in five minutes later? Was he just as bad as his dad? He shoved aside the sheet, which was twisted into a rope beside him, and rolled onto his back.

  ‘Were you having a bad dream?’ Heidi asked. She was lying on her side, watching him.

  He shook his head and propped himself against the bed-head. It was still light outside. ‘What time is it?’

  ‘Not sure,’ she said, her eyes dreamy. ‘Late afternoon.’

  He nodded. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Fine…Hey?’ She traced circles on his chest. ‘What do you think happens to us when we die? Not to our bodies obviously, but the other part.’

  ‘I don’t think about it.’

  She looked up. ‘Don’t you ever wonder what happens next?’

  ‘It’s probably just black and nothing.’